Practical Tips for Writing Sex

Dawn Alexander

We are wrapping up our month of romance with a Story Strategy Live show about writing sex scenes. The fear authors face about writing sex scenes doesn’t always come from the embarrassment of writing sex, but the fear of writing sex poorly. 

Let’s look at some practical tips to avoid that! 

Sex starts before the bedroom, or kitchen counter, or backseat of the car!

Build that sexual tension. Characters who are attracted to each other, even if they think they hate each other, are hyper-aware of the other person. Innocent or incidental touches set off strong, sometimes frustrating, internal reactions. 

Be aware of making the reactions authentic. A grown man has probably spoken to and maybe even touched an attractive woman before. He's most likely not going to become instantly, uncontrollably aroused by her mere presence. Just as a woman’s chest isn’t going to start involuntarily heaving at the sight of a good-looking male (or female) if they’ve just met. 

Start small with those sensations. Let them build in proportion to the relationship and setting. If the relationship is moving quickly, then those reactions can too. Give the characters’ emotions and sensations room to advance. 

Don’t make it a how-to manual

Even though men and women think about sex differently, it is always about emotion. Sex scenes should change your characters and propel your plot. Keep the point-of-view character’s emotions and thoughts active. They aren’t just reporting what they’re doing with the other person and how that person is responding. 

Layer the physical choreography with emotion. What is their physical and emotional reaction to the other person’s response? Show their emotional investment in the moment (even if they’re telling themselves there isn’t any emotion involved.) 

Make sure your characters are in an appropriate setting

Running from a serial killer is not the time to drop ‘em and bop ‘em. The characters need to be in a place of relative physical safety. Women, in particular, can have trouble compartmentalizing. If they feel their life is in imminent danger, focusing on those oh-la-la feelings is a little more difficult. 

The thrill of possibly getting caught can add a layer of excitement, but make sure that fits your character. Are they the type to take that risk? What are the consequences of the risk? Is it just embarrassment or could they be chancing jail time? 

Consent Consent Consent 

Both characters need to be clearly down for this party. The consent can’t only be in a character’s mind. The days of showing the man’s determination by pushing a woman who is saying “no” until she gives in are long gone. 

Romance readers now expect unquestionable consent. The exceptions to that occur in some darker romances where there is either the agreement of a “safe word” or the expectation of dubious consent. In typical, contemporary romance, the consent of both characters needs to be crystal clear. 

If her thoughts are saying yes, but her actions toward the hero are saying no, he needs to back off and vice versa. If he has her backed into a corner and her mind is saying, “Wow, this is hot!” but she is telling him to let her leave, then he needs to give her space and respect that. 

It works the other way as well. If she is the aggressor, and he is telling her “We can’t do this,” then she needs to be shown being considerate of that. 

With that in mind, how do you find that line between playful pursuit and a police report? Two ways. First, pay attention to the dialogue. 

“I’m going to kiss you now.” vs “I want to kiss you now.” Even a well-placed, “You can tell me to stop,” shows the character is looking for consent. 

Second, apply the Best Friend Test. If this character was recounting this situation to their best friend (without mentioning all the tingly body parts) would that friend think they had been handled with care and respect or would they think the other person was out of line? 

Protection Protection Protection

Yes, it can slow down a scene to show someone grabbing a condom. It can also rip your reader right out of that fantasy if they are suddenly concerned about an unplanned pregnancy or STD/STI. The protection moment doesn’t have to be a record scratch. It can be playfully worked into what is already happening or can be tidily mentioned and glossed over—“Condom in place, he…” 

Make sure it makes sense why your character has protection at that moment. If the characters have been swimming in a lake all day and decide to find a private spot under the dock, he probably doesn’t have his wallet handy. Remember that women can have condoms as well. If a friendly night of watching movies on the couch levels up, it’s not always the guy who needs to be prepared. Assuming she is an adult who has had intimate relationships in the past, a box in her bedside table would be reasonable. If she’s a teenager or a virgin, that might be a little harder to explain.

The moment characters decide to have sex without protection can be a huge step in the relationship. It generally requires a conversation that includes something like, “I’m on birth control” and “I’m clean” or “I’ve been tested” or “I’m negative.” 

That conversation needs to fit that character's backstory as well. Does their history lend itself to the other character believing them without question? If they’ve admitted to engaging in casual sex before this relationship (or if this relationship started out as casual), does the other character trust them enough to know they are being honest when they say, “I’m clean”?  

Count your limbs 

You never want your reader’s head to tilt like a confused Labrador in the middle of your characters’ big moment. There are limitations to how much and from what angles a body can stretch, bend, thrust, etc. There’s also the issue of ghost limbs. “If his hands are here and there. Her hands are there and here. Whose hand is that?”  

A simple way to avoid those issues is to act out the scene. This also works for fight scenes and can be done with your clothes on (or off, whatever works for your deadline and current romantic situation.)  If you don’t have access to a willing partner (or the time to explain this isn’t an invitation to get to know each other biblically), use action figures, dolls, or even stuffed animals. You’re a writer. It’s research. It’s not weird at all. 

Safety first 

Along with the confused head tilt, you also want to avoid the clenched teeth, “I hope this doesn’t end in an ER visit” expression. 

Shower sex is one of more problematic scenes of this kind. Wet tile is slippery. Soapy bodies are difficult to hold onto. Weave in a sentence or two to show the characters aren’t going to crash through that glass door before they’re done. Maybe a sturdy ledge in the shower. A non-slip mat. Feet staying firmly on the ground.

Speaking of feet, the other trend that can make a reader cringe is the hero carrying the heroine to bed, upstairs, around the house while they are doing the wild thing. For that to be authentic, it needs to be established whoever is doing the carrying has the capacity. A character who has been shown working out or has a career that lends itself to being physically fit (such as a soldier, police officer, firefighter, etc) doesn’t require the reader to suspend belief as much as Joe from accounting who has a side hustle a dog walker. 

Other distractions to consider

Love scenes are meant to be an escape for the reader, but real life realities have a way of sneaking in. Consider these other possible distractions. 

Other people, pets, neighbors. Are your characters in the house alone? Are there children or parents or other humans with ears who could hear any bed creaks, wall bangs, or related sounds? Is there a puppy who needs to be put in a crate so he doesn’t eat through the coffee table while they’re occupied? 

What were your characters doing before doing it? Delivering a calf in the pasture? Weeding the garden? Chopping up jalapeno peppers? Where are their hands now? Is that going to burn? 

Did they just wake up? Have they visited the bathroom? Brushed their teeth? Should they? 

For more on writing sex scenes and other topics be sure to check out Story Strategy Live! 

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